


(nowhere) close to normalcy

by teenageraccoon



Series: this time-bound conscience [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1.3k of bucky relearning human stuff, Food Issues, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25772524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teenageraccoon/pseuds/teenageraccoon
Summary: Protocol changes. Steven Grant Rogers, alias Captain America, does not seem concerned with protocol. All Steven Grant Rogers, alias Captain America, seems concerned with is a sequence of questions in the same order, multiple times a day, always in English: are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Are you tired?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers
Series: this time-bound conscience [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1517654
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	(nowhere) close to normalcy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cafelesbian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cafelesbian/gifts).



Protocol changes.

There are no mission reports. There are no interrogations. He is asked a sequence of questions, in the same order, multiple times a day, always in English: are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Are you tired? These things are irrelevant to his operative state. He can operate for a week without food when on deployment. It is suggested but not required that he eat every four days for peak operation. When not on deployment, he does not need to eat. He will be fed when required. When deployed, he requires water every twenty-four to forty-eight hours. When he is not deployed, he will receive hydration as determined to be needed. When deployed, he does not sleep. When not deployed, he does not sleep. 

He does not know whether or not this is considered a deployment. Steven Grant Rogers, alias Captain America, does not seem concerned. All Steven Grant Rogers, alias Captain America, seems concerned with is, are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Are you tired?

He says no in response to each. On the fourth day, he is asked a different question. He is asked, do you know how to tell?

He says no.

A strange look comes across Rogers’ face.

Rogers explains. In English, he says, “When your stomach feels pain, like it’s stabbing or pulling, you need to eat. You should drink water when you eat. You should sleep when your eyelids feel heavy.” And then he says his favorite word: “Okay?”

“Okay,” he agrees. This response proves to be correct. Rogers smiles.

“You don’t need to ask permission to eat or drink or sleep. You’re always allowed,” he states. “There’s food in the kitchen when you want it and I can get you other foods you like. You can sleep where you want, too, you can sleep in your bedroom or in mine or on the couch. Wherever is comfortable. Okay?”

“Okay,” he agrees again, even though he does not understand. He does not know what foods he likes because he only remembers the names of two solid foods and he was not fed solids by Hydra. He does not know how to fall asleep on his own. Rogers seems to approve of this answer. He smiles and says, “okay. Thank you, Bucky,” and exits.

Bucky does not move. He sits on the floor of the second bedroom, wedged between wall and chair. It is a poor vantage point and he can not make himself move. The cat sits in between his crossed legs. She sleeps easily, her head and paws on his leg. Pure white a stark contrast against black tactical wear.

Some number of hours later, there is a knock on the doorframe again.

“Are you hungry?” he is asked. This time, he nods. After the previous exchange, he believes it is a good idea, and it seems to cause a positive reaction. “What do you like to eat?”

He stares, uncomprehending. Rogers looks back at him. Does not yell, does not demand an answer, does not reprimand, does not punish. He does not understand the question.

Rogers brought him a plate for lunch. It has sat untouched on the nightstand. Now, Rogers asks, “Can I get that?” and motions towards it. He nods. Rogers steps into the room, and Bucky can not stop himself from pulling a knife from its sheath at his hip. The cat makes a noise but does not wake up, and if Rogers notices the weapon, he does well at hiding his reaction.

“I’ll bring you food for dinner, okay?” He nods.

Rogers does. He returns ten minutes later with two bowls. One is of water and the other is of cat food from the tins that he purchased on the day Bucky returned. He sets both on the floor next to the bed. Then he returns with a glass of water and a plate. On the plate is a sandwich, thin slices of ham between white bread with carrot beside it. This he sets on the bedside table.

“You can shower if you want,” he says, “or take a bath. Let me get you a change of clothing?”

“Okay,” he replies, his voice rasping.

He leaves the clothing on the bed and crouches down to put himself at eye level.

“Tell me if you need anything, okay?” He nods and Rogers leaves, pulling the door to.

When the cat wakes up, she makes a chirping noise and goes to eat from the bowl near the door. He stands. The tendons in his knees pull painfully, which is irrelevant. He should eat.

He forces down the sandwich bite by bite and leaves the carrot untouched at the side. He washes down the taste with water and tries not to retch. The cat, seemingly sympathetic, meows and rubs against his ankles, then jumps onto the bed.

The cat has no expectations of him. She meows again and he strokes her back, scratches the side of her chin. Stays there on the bed with her until it is well past dark out and reevaluates his operative parameters.

Per Rogers’ implications, food is needed every twelve to twenty-four hours. By the rate at which he asks, hydration is needed every six hours. Parameters for sleep remain unclear.

Two nights previous, he told Steve, _I need to sleep_. Need, not want; want is irrelevant. Operative state would’ve become drastically weakened without sleep. He does not need to sleep again, but he thinks that trying would make Steve satisfied. He is not particularly threatened by Steve, and therefore does not know why he wants to satisfy him. He does not know what differentiates the role of Rogers from the role of Steve in his mind.

He pulls on the change of clothing that was left. Underwear, cotton drawstring pants, a t-shirt, a sweatshirt. He hides his tactical wear in the closet. He picks up the cat.

“I need to sleep,” he says outside the doorway to Rogers’ bedroom where he slept previously. Rogers smiles.

“Okay, Buck,” he says. “Get comfy.” The blankets and pillow are still on the floor in the same place Bucky left them. He sits and puts the cat down and awaits further instruction. It does not come.

Eventually, Rogers goes into the bathroom. He hears the sounds of the tap running, fabric moving against itself, and Rogers returns in pajamas. He gets into bed and turns off the light and says, “Goodnight, Buck. Wake me up if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

Rogers falls asleep quickly. He does not, but he lays down and the cat lays on top of his chest. He stares at the ceiling and falls asleep at some point, because the next thing that happens is him jerking upright, chest heaving, clothes and hair damp with sweat.

He slips out of the room silently and brings the cat with him. He runs the tap for the bath and gets in, scrubs the remnants of sleep off with a washcloth and too-hot water. Steve is in the living room when he exits. His hair is rumpled and he is still wearing his pajamas, in contrast to Bucky’s limp hair and tac clothing.

“Do you want to go get breakfast?” he asks as Bucky stands at the neck of the hallway. He shakes his head. “Want me to bring you anything?”

“…Okay,” Bucky agrees, remembering his new operative parameters. “You choose.” This response seems to prove correct.

Steve smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> a (very) brief exploration of trauma and change. i might elaborate on this more in later fics but am not sure -- that's kind of what the entire series is dedicated to, after all. for those of you who are here from _you've arrived at last, my friend_ , first of all thank you for being such loyal readers, and i promise there is an update coming soon.  
> this is dedicated to [addie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cafelesbian). thank you for being my writing cheerleader and letting me bounce ideas off of you all day long!!  
> and as always, you can find me on tumblr [here](http://teenageraccoon.tumblr.com)!


End file.
